by Erika Kita
(sunset over Lake Taupo from my hotel room)
It’s been almost 3 weeks since I have been traveling and almost 2 weeks since coming to New Zealand.
I’ve been holed up in a nice hotel for the last couple days in Lake Taupo doing absolutely nothing except nurturing myself. A stark change to what I’ve been doing the past couple weeks.
I’ve spent the last couple weeks traveling and moving from place to place, spontaneously, not knowing where exactly I am going and just following my intuition. Sometimes booking a place to stay at the very last minute & not all accommodations have been the most amazing.
I’ve been seeking, looking and asking for the signs as I’ve been on this journey and I’ve exhausted myself out.
I know I was led here but I’m unclear as to exactly why it is that I’m here. I don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to know, what it is that I’m supposed to find, or what it is that I’m supposed to see in front of me. It’s as if I am finding nothing, yet I know that something in me is unfolding (even though I don’t know what the hell that is).
I’ve had a whole year of intense seeking, actually a lot more, but the last year in particular has been really intense for me in my spiritual unfolding. I’ve traveled far and wide and I’ve still not seen exactly what it is that I feel I am looking for.
It’s such a paradox because you never actually find what you are seeking when you are seeking it because you don’t even know what you are seeking. So it’s just a vicious cycle on a hamster wheel.
The seeking is actually what stands in the way of finding.
I’ve completely uprooted myself and my life this past year…
I’ve been subletting for over a year and a half now, not wanting to be tied down to anything or anyone so that I can go at a moments notice to “what is next” for me. I’ve left my business partner and am unsure as to where my business stands. I am still doing real estate as of now; I just know it’s not what I’m ultimately here to do. I’ve “lost” all of my friends…I just don’t identify completely with anyone or any community that I have been involved with in my life anymore. I don’t have a clear direction and I’ve been wandering and sometimes I feel lost…
Sometimes, I feel crazy and wonder if I’m a loser. I’m wondering if I’m just a stray without any intention. I’m wondering if I’m delusional on a path to no where.
Yet at the same time, I know that this is natural and part of the process because I have nothing that I identify with right now. I’m letting go of so much of who I have been that there is a part of me that wants to hold on to something and say this means something. All of this that I have been doing and letting go of this past year means something. I’m not just wandering aimlessly & I’m not stupid…
I just know that there is something…something that I am supposed to do and something that I am here to do on this earth. I’m here to do so much more than just work and make money to survive and live comfortably.
It’s a challenge for me to not seek, not search, not need, not long for, to not strive for and instead allow myself…
to just BE…
to just unfold…
to just allow…
Everything just caught up with me these past couple days and I had one of many meltdowns. It felt good to release and also just allow myself to relax.
I’m starting to realize that maybe I am here to just be in a foreign land with no escape and to just BE.
Maybe I don’t need to do or find anything.
Maybe my quest is to just be.
No where to get to. Nothing to find.
Just be in the now and not look for anything or want any sort of stimulation.
It seems like such a simple thing to do but it’s challenging beyond belief for me. I’ve grown up and been conditioned to always have a plan, a goal, something to work for, to strive for, to accomplish…that’s what society tells you to do. All the societal conditioning tells us that we need to be doing something to be somebody and we are always needing some sort of stimulation to not be “bored”.
I feel like such an outsider and a loner, at the same time, I’ve never been more of who I really am. This unfolding, it’s not always easy, it’s not always magic and it’s not always rainbows and butterflies.
I’m seeing that maybe it’s about seeing the magic in the simplicity of life, the mundane, the ordinary.
Maybe the magic is the ordinary.
We just like to always look for more and we miss the magic that’s happening in the meantime.
I’ve been such a nomad this past year and I know that with every step I take I am on my way and I am getting one step closer to whatever it is that is unfolding for me.
These past couple weeks I haven’t been fully enjoying this freedom that I have because I’ve been so busy searching and seeking.
The rest of my journey here I’m going to challenge myself…
To just allow…
To just breathe…
Maybe this is the best gift that I can give to myself…
To just be.