Birthday Reflections on Life, Death, Love & Sex.
by Erika Kita
(Integratron, near Joshua Tree)
“But if we are truly happy inside, then age brings with it a maturity, a depth, and a power that only magnifies our radiance.”
– David Deida
I spent my birthday completely disconnected from technology (literally, my phone actually broke in the Integratron shortly after this picture was taken above), with Mother Nature, Father Sky and the Creator within me at Joshua Tree, reflecting on the last 39 years of my life.
My life looks nothing like I imagined where it would be by this point…
It’s way better.
I thought I would be married and have kids by now and either have a successful career or support my husband in his and not have to work; take care of the kids. Pretty much the cookie cutter image of what society gives us as success for a female.
I have none of that and I am fulfilled beyond words…
I don’t live life according to societal standards, beliefs or rules anymore.
I live life according to my soul and my calling, guided by the Spirit within me.
By really going within and connecting to Source within and through my journeys & travels this past year, my definition of success has changed drastically.
When you travel and see and feel other parts of the world, it changes you. Not everyone has the same resources and there is so much poverty, it’s humbling. It’s made me realize how blessed I am and also what a thick bubble and matrix we live in, especially in Los Angeles.
I look at our culture here in LA and the way humanity operates is pretty insane to me now. Focused on so much excessiveness, materialism, fame, stature, looking good and over-feeding the ego. For what?…
None of that actually fulfills anybody and feeds anybody’s soul. Only the ego.
When you see and are really present to what’s happening in this world and really in tune with Mother Earth, so many things that our society strives for seem so trivial and completely ridiculous.
I’ve found that I don’t need much at all to be fulfilled.
I don’t care about money, stature, achievements and success like I used to…at least not in the way that we define success from the ego.
I now measure my success by how fully am I living (not just surviving), how true to myself am I being, how much does my heart have the capacity to love & how free am I; mind, body and soul.
At 39 years old I am so free in my spirit and soul; something that I have been searching for almost half of my life. I feel younger than ever and life just keeps getting better and better…it’s magic.
It’s because of my energy.
I’ve learned to walk into my fears and pain and embrace them like I would a good friend. Pain when truly felt, embraced and honored transcends into something else and can feel like awe-inspiring bliss.
I’ve learned to work with energy and the invisible forces of the Universe.
I live life according to my terms and create my reality because I know down to my bones that I am the sole Creator of my life. I take full responsibility for myself and everything that manifests in my life.
People ask me how can I travel so much…how am I surviving? That’s the thing…I don’t survive, I live.
I feel like I just barely started to truly live life just recently.
My focus is not on money, material things or being the best anymore in anything as it once was…
My focus is on releasing any fears & attachments that I have to anything or anyone…I want to be and I am a sovereign individual.
My focus is on connecting to the depths of my soul, Spirit within me and Mother Nature (my true essence), evolving, loving and creating…
When you let go of having control & are being true to yourself & Spirit within, the Universe provides in abundance in mysterious ways way beyond what the mind can imagine.
Something magical happens when you are truly able to be with yourself, alone and in silence. Truly able to connect to yourself and God within you…everything starts unfolding mysteriously and effortlessly.
It’s a fine dance between going for what you want, trusting, letting go and allowing. There’s a subtlety in energy and the inner workings of the Universe.
Energy is subtle and invisible, yet stronger than any material force out there (as the energy from the sound waves in the Integratron showed by completely depleting and breaking the battery in my phone).
The natural flow and energy of the Universe is not about control, strength, force or struggle…if you experience that, it’s because you are coming from the ego.
It’s when the human ego interferes with the Divine unfolding that trauma occurs. When you can let go of the struggle, the fight, the control, the ego…you can experience pure bliss and know that everything is perfect, despite any circumstance.
I still want to have children and at 39 some people ask me if I’ve thought about freezing my eggs or point out how old I’m getting and how there are complications with the body as you get older, that I’m running out of time.
Here’s the thing, I don’t operate from fear and I don’t subscribe to that belief that society has given us. I’m not in a hurry for anything at all.
I know I will have children when it’s time for me and my body will be healthy and produce because I say so. I have an intimate relationship with myself and my body (my temple) and I know I am the Creator of my life. It’s going to go how I say it’s going to go.
I also feel my daughter’s soul and spirit waiting for me. She knows, mamma has some things to do in the world before our time together. 😉
As far as getting married, my belief about that is also shifting. I’m in the inquiry of and questioning whether or not I really want that anymore. Sure, I want to be in an intimate committed partnership with the love of my life (at least for this lifetime), however, I’m in the inquiry of do I really need a “legal” piece of paper and society’s agreement to tell me that our love is true.
I know what’s real by the way that it feels.
In some ways, I think I wanted marriage to have certainty in my life, to feel secure and to know how it’s going to go. I’ve learned that we never really have control over anything and at this point in my life & evolution, I don’t want to have control over anything or anyone for that matter.
I allow the natural flow of the Universe to flow through me. All magic happens in the unknown in the absence of control, certainty and fear.
I also want my partner to stay with me because he wants to and not because he feels he has to and vice versa….a choice that we can both make, moment by moment with each other.
From what I have observed, sometimes (not all the time) when people get married or even in relationships without marriage – people act as if they own each other. Psychologically something happens. That’s where everything goes downhill…
Love isn’t about ownership, certainty, security, control or trying to fix or change the other person.
For me love is about trust, allowing and sometimes, letting go.
I’m so unbelievably free in my spirit, whole and fulfilled on my own, that anybody I am with has to be as free and whole if not freer than I am. He has to have done his inner work like I have & cleared himself, shed his ego and also lead his life from the heart. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be doing a service for each other or for the world.
“A man who is not as evolved as the woman he is with will hold her back, drain her spirit, and prevent the film of her life playing out to its intended conclusion.”
– John Maxwell Taylor
I’m here on a mission (we all are although most have forgotten) and I will only be with someone that can forward my spiritual quest here with me, make a difference in each other’s lives and together we can do even more for the world.
Love is the ultimate force that conquers all and I’m not settling for anything less than the deepest love and union. With that kind of love, together, the energy of our love will create ripple effects out into the multiverse.
I believe this is part of what we women are here for, our earth work…to remind & seduce our men to live from the heart (in this ego driven world) and only open our sacred body, our temple, to them if he is ready to fully do this.
We need more people here on Mother Earth who lead from the heart and not the ego. We are killing our own home, Mother Earth, and our own species, humanity, by being so blinded by the ego.
The Divine masculine will only rise to this by answering the call of the Divine feminine. We can only seduce this of our men when we ourselves have done the work within and are truly congruent to ourselves and the Goddess within us.
No man deserves our sacred temple until he has proven himself as worthy. We need a different relationship to sex; it’s sacred and an act of the deepest love and Divinity. We need to guide our daughters to hold themselves as truly sacred. That’s really been lost in this world especially with how the media portrays sex and porn so rampant and available for children to see; which also only feeds the mind and ego (not the heart) of the masses.
Until my Divine partner answers my call, I am more than happy being completely on my own. I trust and know that the Universe is conspiring to bring us together at the right time…
“The way a man penetrates the world should be the same way he penetrates his woman: not merely for personal gain or pleasure, but to magnify love, openness, and depth.”
– David Deida
Death has been on my mind and around me a lot lately as well as society’s perception and fear of it. Most of society believes there’s something wrong or bad about death and fear it, although it’s a natural process. If you haven’t noticed, people are leaving the planet more and more lately and it’s going to get worse before it gets better. There’s a lot of energy coming into earth for the shift in consciousness & revolution that is happening whether you are aware or believe it or not. There is a cleansing and clearing happening in our own individual lives as well as the collective here on Mother Earth.
Some people didn’t come to earth to witness and be a part of this revolution that we are in. Some came to learn how to die peacefully and others to learn and transcend with a different consciousness; so many different reasons and everybody, whether you realize it or not is making their decision to leave from a soul level, no matter what their death looks like. They are consciously choosing to go to their next chapter in their soul’s evolution.
Fear for safety and losing my life has come up for me recently, especially since I travel so much alone and go into remote areas. My guides shared with me that it was important for me to lose that fear of losing my life so that I was able to just be…and to know that if my life was extinguished, I am still a being of the Universe and it’s ok.
The survival instinct overtakes us often and disallows the truth of life to come through. When we fear anything, we don’t get the full experience of life and it becomes about surviving.
There’s so much more that I want to share about death and what it really is, it’s actually a re-birth and it’s for us to celebrate and honor rather than be in agony and holding on to the fear of letting go of our loved ones and even our own lives. They are never lost or truly gone, only transformed. Their spirit, their energies are always here with us and when you can tune into yourself deeply, you can also tune into them, communicate with them and also “see” how the soul’s evolution never ends…it’s infinite.
We are infinite.
“Death” in the physical world is actually a gift and gives us a sense of urgency, at least for me. I’m realizing at the age of 39, according to societal standards, I may actually be halfway through my life already. Wow, I actually don’t have that much more time here in this physical world, this lifetime. 39 years went by like that in a blink of an eye…the next 39 years will too!
It’s making me truly look at myself even more and be in the inquiry of how do I really want to live my life? What kind of an impact do I want to leave here this lifetime? What kind of ripple do I want to send across the multiverse.
There was once a time during my search to fully love myself where I wanted to save and help everybody around me. I realize now that, that in itself was just another way for me to avoid the darkest depths of my soul; because what I really needed was to save and love myself.
I see people wanting to help and save everybody else around them when they haven’t even fully saved themselves. They haven’t fully accessed their own Spirit and wisdom within them which only truly happens when you go within.
You can’t fully be with or serve another until you can fully be with and serve yourself first.
My birthday wish is that everybody reading this considers truly going within and looking at yourself, facing and embracing the darkest parts of your soul, your fears and loving every single ounce of yourself. Go into nature. Learn to be by yourself and comfortable in stillness, in the silence.
This takes something…this takes disconnecting from everything and everybody else sometimes for a while and letting go of all your beliefs and everything you have learned up to this point in your life, to truly allow what’s true for you to come to the surface without any influence from outside of yourself.
This is the first and #1 act of service that anyone can do for the world and humanity, in my humble opinion. In a world that profits off of your insecurities, doubt and ego; loving yourself is an act of rebellion and the only true way that you will be free to truly experience life and the magic and ecstasy of yourself and this multi-verse. The energy, the ripple effect and broadcast that you create when you are truly connected to yourself and Source within you, does much more than the mind can even fathom.
Learn to honor and trust yourself. Only then, will the Universe honor you.
It all starts with you.
I’m currently in the space in between spaces. The life that I once had is no more yet the life that the future is calling me forth to is not yet. I’m currently sitting in the middle of my past and my future. It’s uncomfortable, yet, I’ve learned to be comfortable being uncomfortable and I know my life is all Divinely unfolding.
It’s the awakening that matters…the rest will handle itself.
I had a very intimate birthday celebration this year and it was the best birthday yet.
This 39th birthday, I’m the most me I have ever been in my life.
Learning to love myself deeply and honor the frequency of God within me is the biggest gift that I’ve ever given to myself and that’s who I wanted to spend time with, honor, cherish & celebrate on this birthday…me, myself and I. ❤