Being Alone & Pain
by Erika Kita
I’ve been on the fast track on the acceleration of my soul’s evolution this past year…
Ever since I started looking within & connecting to Spirit within me; life has been one big never-ending roller coaster & mystical adventure.
It’s also been a time where I have been alone a lot and really isolated myself.
It’s in my solitude and silence that I can “hear” and tune into the natural flow of the Universe and it’s also been a very important clearing process for me. Not only that, for a while, I felt like I couldn’t relate to anything or anyone in this physical world anymore. I am only now, slowly integrating myself back into this world (the physical plane).
Being in the magic all the time can be addicting and I have had to really learn how to ground myself onto earth again and again because it’s easy, to fly out of our bodies and not truly be connected to ourselves (this is also how possession happens, yes it’s real). People are flying out of their bodies all the time and don’t even know it. We were never taught how to use our body or how it even works (this vehicle that we have that our soul temporarily lives in).
I’ve been traveling alone a lot and when I travel, I don’t travel just to travel. I travel with the intention of my soul expansion. It’s a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts for my soul. There is a lot that I experience on many different levels when I travel and connect to the energy of the land and people on Mother Earth around the world. I receive information and communication downloads. I feel the vibration of the land and sometimes, I know that I am walking the steps of my past lives to re-visit and heal myself throughout the lines of time and space (we are typically always called to places that we have been to before in our past lives. Even if your conscious mind doesn’t remember…your sub-conscious does). I don’t even always know exactly what is being communicated to me, however, I feel it, I sense it and sometimes I see visions. Whatever it is, I’m always changed after and it’s always a process, not instantaneous.
There is a graceful unfolding.
I haven’t been writing about my travels lately because sometimes I don’t even know how to explain or share my experiences. To tell you the truth, I don’t always even fully understand them myself. There is so much that happens (in this reality and other realities), sometimes I can’t even put words to it. Every time I’ve sat down to write something; something else happens where it takes me to another experience. Sometimes there are days where I am just isolating myself and letting myself feel & experience; feel all of me and my emotions. Actually, there are a lot of those kinds of days. Those days, I don’t want to be around or interact with anyone at all.
I’ve chosen to dive into the deep sea on my spiritual quest and with that sometimes comes trepidation…with that comes more than I’ve asked for at times I think and at the same time, life has been magically unfolding beyond my wildest dreams.
After having the world as I know it stripped away from me and seeing past the illusion of everything, it hasn’t been easy for me to just live a normal life (our true history and who we really are have been concealed from us and we are all living in an illusion)…
“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”
– Edgar Allen Poe
But what is “normal”?…
Depending on where you live in the world, what belief system you have and what dimension and probability you are tuned into, it’s all extremely different.
I’ve had one friend, one soul sister who has been by my side throughout this transition period for me this past year. Who understood and got me in a way that nobody else could and could ‘see’ what I saw. She could experience other realities and dimensions with me and together we gave each other a stronger sense of self amidst all this chaos and confusion that we sometimes experienced in our multi-dimensional world. It’s not so simple, coming to terms with your true multi-dimensional self after you’ve been born into the 3D physical version, it’s quite a rude awakening. Your reality is completely torn apart, turned upside down and it just keeps getting weirder and weirder and at the same time more magical, profound and mysterious than ever. The more “information” that is given to me and I learn; the more I realize that I don’t know shit. This multi-verse is way weirder than I can ever imagine and there’s no point to even try and make sense of it. Only to experience and be…live…
The mystery of life isn’t a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.
– Frank Herbert Dune
Sometimes it’s been a lot to experience.
Every trip I go on, I come back and I need time to reorganize from it and integrate. Every experience changes me and I am changing and evolving every second of every day at such a rapid pace. I sometimes don’t really know who I truly am…I know…that I am a vessel for the light; other than that, my true self is still in her developmental stages and unfolding. Every time I think I know; the Universe shows me something and I realize, that I actually don’t… at all.
I’ve let go of trying to figure it out.
It’s such a paradox…
When you are seeking for yourself, you can’t actually find yourself because you don’t actually know what you are seeking.
I’m allowing myself to fully surrender to the unknown…
My journey has become the destination.
It’s a moment by moment practice because our minds have been conditioned by society to always want to know what’s next, to plan, to figure out & to understand everything…to have control & certainty for a false sense of security. We’re always rushing to “the next”…
Since being back from my most recent trip to the Big Island of Hawaii; I’m not the same person as I was prior to my trip (I’m actually not even the same person I was yesterday). Yet again, my relationships are not the same, including my one soul sister that I have had by my side, even that relationship has shifted. I knew this time would come.
When you are on a spiritual quest like the one I’m on; everything is always changing rapidly and as you change, everything changes around you. You outgrow people, places, things or you take an unexpected detour on your path.
Nothing is ever solid.
Nothing is permanent.
I’ve learned to let go, over and over and over again…
“Love does not want or fear anything.” – Eckhart Tolle
The art of not being attached to anything or anyone is the lesson that I have been forced to learn again and again through loss. The thing is…nothing is ever really lost…only transformed.
This time, it’s been the hardest somewhat because now I am truly “alone” even though it’s by choice. Yes, I have friends I can hang out with, however, nobody understands what I am really going through to the depths that I do. At the same time, I’m realizing and learning that it doesn’t matter. That’s part of shedding the ego…when you recognize that it doesn’t matter. The need to have people really know or understand you…there is nothing to prove.
Reflecting on my relationship with my soul sister we were a little co-dependent (I’ve had a history of relationships like this that is now transforming); we were both covering up a little loneliness through our relationship with each other, depended on each other for support and that’s ok but not all the time.
The path that I am now on is about listening and honoring my truth (Spirit within me) without the influence of anything or anyone outside of me, including my friends and family.
So I’ve had to let go of the one person that I’ve had to lean on throughout this crucial time of my soul’s unraveling this past year. We served each other for our soul’s purpose for now. We will always be friends, just not in the same form that it has been. We’ve traveled many lifetimes together and have a strong sisterhood & bond. Sisterhood isn’t about being on the same path together all the time. It’s about honoring each other and each other’s unique Spirit & journey. Knowing when to let go and let each other unfold and fly on their own…
Also, even though we weren’t lovers in a sexual way, we took the place of that kind of intimate love connection in our lives for each other. I need to also let go of her to truly allow the space for another. For the love that I am really ready for and deserve.
This past week has been really tough. I’ve been crying a lot, every day, throughout the day. I don’t think I’ve ever truly been alone. Sure, I have been taking trips alone this past year and as far as a romantic partner, I’ve been alone…but I’ve always had someone to count on, to lean on…some sort of companion.
It’s time for me now…to really be alone.
Gawd, does it hurt…
To actually feel the depths of your soul without any of the distractions that we give ourselves not to feel. Whether it be keeping busy, co-dependency, emotional eating, drinking, drugging, watching TV, gossiping, playing video games, working out hard or working hard in general (hustling is glorified in our society and trust me there is no glorification in hustling. There is an easier, effortless way to manifest)…there is a plethora of distractions available to us so that we don’t ever actually connect to who we truly are, what we really feel, what our soul & Spirit is really crying out for.
I am allowing the pain…
I am embracing the pain…
I am accepting the pain…
I am allowing myself to truly feel into the depths of my darkness because I know that is the only way through and all that is happening is in Divine order.
Feel it, the thing that you don’t want to feel. Feel it and be free.
– Nayyirah Waheed
The drama, the chaos, the confusion that life brings us…all of it…it’s all just life finding its way home.
If I can be with all of the depths and layers of my darkness…I can be with anything.
Separation is really an illusion…
Darkness and light are one in the same. We can only truly understand our light through our darkness.
I know that’s what I am really here for.
To shine my light and be able to transcend any darkness. It starts with me facing all of my darkness. The more darkness I can face the brighter my light becomes.
I’m allowing myself to truly relish in this pain of really being alone for the first time in my life because I know that this too is for my soul’s unfolding and on the other side of this, I will be more of who I really am.
Pain and our emotions are such a gift…if we can only just learn to allow all of it. The spiritual path teaches you how to use darkness as a tool to grow.
Pain is just like the ocean; it comes and goes in waves and it’s quite beautiful & filled with grace, when you learn to embrace it.
Actually, everything comes and goes…
I started writing this in the middle of a meltdown that I was having, crying my heart out. At first, I wrote for myself not with the intention of posting. I also know, that there are many out there that feel alone in this world. I want to be vulnerable and share my experience…let you know that you are not alone.
Let yourself swim deep into the beautiful multi-layered abyss of your pain & emotions, it will transcend into wisdom and nurture your soul if you go deep enough and ride the wave all the way through…
It already has for me…I feel better already. 🙂 Somehow, writing and sharing helps me to integrate and understand myself even more.
Thank you for letting me share all of me with you.