Love and Loneliness

by Erika Kita

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Before I meet my romantic partner in this life time, I am committed to being fully whole and complete within myself.  Loving every single ounce of myself. For whatever reason, I now know that I am just meant to be alone until I reach that high vibration that I am intending for myself and meet my partner at that point.  I know this is my map.

I’ve always told myself that I never wanted to settle and perhaps I’ve had this ideal picture of what love looks like.  I realized that for me to attract the kind of partner that I want…I need to BE that person first for myself.

I intend to BE the kind of person that I would want to be with.   

I intend to energetically vibrate that within my being.

You only attract who you are.

For years I had been calling out for my soul mate and in my calling out, I was actually repelling that which I wanted.  I was seeking the comfort of being with someone when I couldn’t even comfort myself.

I was seeking something that wasn’t available because subconsciously I believed that it was not available.

In the past I’ve often felt that I was in need of men, that I was less than, that they had a force over me and although it was on a unconscious level, it brought me much dis-satisfaction many times over and feelings of not being appreciated, not feeling respected & feelings of worthlessness and rejection.  This reflected in many of my dysfunctional relationships.  I was playing out in my relationships how I was feeling in the inside and I would only attract men that were really not emotionally available…because I was really not emotionally available for myself.

Being emotionally available for yourself takes a lot of awareness & Inner Child work.  Connecting to the Inner Child in you and allowing her/him to say and feel whatever they want.  Many of us have rejected ourselves, we don’t listen to ourselves…we are so busy trying to please others (saying yes when we really mean no is a disease that most of us have), we try to avoid as much as possible to not hurt anybody’s feelings, live up to the expectations of our friends, family, clients and society that we completely forget about connecting to ourselves, our Inner Child and spirit.  How does she/he feel in all of this?   Pretty soon we are so caught up in the machinery of life that we “lose” ourselves…

The thing is, when you really start to love yourself, hurting those you love is inevitable – it’s part of the process of self-love and growth.  Not everyone will understand your choices and/or your beliefs.  You keep standing for your truth anyways – even if it means standing alone for a while.  It’s all a part of the journey.

My intention is to move into a place of such Divine self love that I am not even in question of anything.  When I am in this place – I will attract a man who is also in the vibration of self love and can only see my goodness and only wants to share from the heart (I don’t care for egos, thank you).

I know that in this very moment, I am not quite there yet.  I am definitely heading there and I’m doing whatever it takes to face all of my insecurities, neediness and loneliness.

What this looks like for me is meditating every single day for at least an hour – fully committed to my spiritual transformation not through the mind or action – through the soul.  When I do this, I go within and I ask Spirit to show me what I need to see (for my unfolding).

I know that right now I am supposed to be alone as I am on this true undertaking of my inward spiritual journey. For so many years I had surrounded myself with a plethora of people and “things” to do & achieve…kept myself busy. Right now is my time to build my relationship with Spirit and that’s ultimately, myself – since we are all expressions of the Universe.

Being in Bimini, Bahamas by myself and traveling alone has also really brought up things that I need to face within myself, full force. 

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Bimini is within the Bermuda Triangle and is where they say part of the Lost City of Atlantis is buried.  I was drawn here partly because of the energies that are here….there is an energetic vortex and many energetic lei lines of the earth cross here.  Not to mention the Lost City of Atlantis definitely peaked my interest and the promise of swimming with wild dolphins.  It sounded like the perfect place for me to visit before I went to Brazil for this next month or so.

As I came close to the island via cruise ship and entered it’s vortex, my leg started shaking and all of a sudden my body was vibrating with so much energy.  Then I was overcome with this feeling of sadness and some sort of remembrance – I started crying.  I wasn’t really sure what was happening and I knew that I was feeling the energy and a remembrance of some sort here.

The first couple days, was pretty tough.  It was almost as if the energy here magnified and intensified things that I needed to face and move through about myself.

It seemed like I was getting picked up by men constantly, getting asked out on dates by even the hotel staff – some of them were nice, some of them would whistle (which I hate)…and instead of being gracious to these men, I was getting really pissed off.  I was feeling really objectified and almost scared to walk around by myself because it seemed like these men had never seen a women alone in their life and it was like I was giving them an invisible sign saying, I am ready and available, come talk to me.  When all I wanted to do was be alone and enjoy the island.

I couldn’t even go to dinner by myself without men staring at me from another table.  So I stared back at them…giving them a face saying, ok! what the heck are you looking at? (I was being so defensive & such a man, ready to fight).

It was really getting ridiculous to the point where it was starting to make me feel like I just wanted to get the hell out of the island and escape.  I actually really wanted to just run into a man’s arms to protect me.  I thought, maybe traveling alone isn’t that great of an idea after all. That second night here in Bimini – I had a breakdown.  I cried my heart out (yes I cry a lot because I feel a lot).

I was observing myself and asking Spirit, who am I being that is attracting all this right now? Then I realized…this is what I asked for.  I knew that I had to move through any sort of loneliness and neediness that I had within me (you always learn and grow through your pain).  I was also noticing that all these perceptions of men that I was having here came from an old version of me and it was really being magnified for me so that I can learn from it –  the Erika that felt like she needed to protect herself and was being objectified. This wasn’t the new me…and being here was helping me to see that I still had some things that I needed to face and move through to fully love myself and be open and available to myself…which in turn, then I would be really available for love.

The next day, it was such Divine timing….I met an 83 old man, Ansil Saunders.  What a great spirit.  He is known here as the world record holder in bone fishing and also a legend boat builder.  He was the man that took Martin Luther King out into the mangroves here (such an important ecosystem for the island) where he wrote his acceptance speech when he won the Nobel Peace prize. 

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MLK wanted a peaceful place to write his Nobel Peace acceptance as well as his last speech that he wrote before he died (Earnest Hemingway used Bimini as his writing haven as well).  As Ansil took me out to the mangroves and we were surrounded by so much beauty and peace…I felt the presence of Spirit and I felt so safe with this man.  I was overcome with emotions, it was like Spirit was telling me it’s ok Erika…I’ve got you.

Ansil shared with me his personal story of the time he spent with MLK in the mangroves and how when he was writing his last speech before he died, he knew that he was going to die soon (he was murdered two days after he said the speech that he wrote here at the age of 39).  He actually wrote his last speech as his eulogy knowing he was going to die soon and told Ansil that he wanted to be remembered not by the things that he had won but he wanted someone to be able to be tell the truth about him (as Ansil chuckled  & said because you know a lot of people in this world do not know how to tell the truth) – that he tried to love people and that he was a committed man (basically not the ego stuff, just who his soul really was).

I felt like I got to know MLK a little more in depth that day through Ansil. He was a man with conviction, undying faith in God and committed to something way more in his life than himself – love and unity of all. As Ansil said, unity is greatness.  MLK was a man who stood for his truth, no matter what the consequences…what an inspiration.

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Ansil and I spent some time hanging out & exploring the mangroves, chasing stingrays and birds on his boat – and talked about God and just enjoyed each other’s company and the beauty of nature together, as he shared so much of his wisdom. We were just in awe of all the glory of nature around us and talked about how can people not believe in God? Spirit is all around us and within us.

I feel people’s energies and his energy felt so pure – so loving.  At one point we prayed together and then he turned to me and said, “I feel good being here with you.”…and I said “me too”.  We had such a magical moment because energetically, our soul’s saw each other and it was so pure. It’s a beautiful thing to truly connect to another person’s soul, you can be strangers, yet know each other…it’s like the soul in me saw the soul in him and vice versa.  No words were needed. Energetically, we were doing all the talking we needed. I fell in love with this man’s soul that day.

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The rest of my week in Bimini kept unfolding in Divine timing and Divine order. Men continued to show up for me that were caring, loving, safe and trusting.  Taking care of me through my snorkel trips and showing me that I didn’t need to be scared.  I met so many beautiful people, had such profound experiences (especially at the Road to Atlantis) and then leading up towards the end of my week – being able to finally go on a wild dolphin excursion that I gave up trying to force was a miracle and an exhilarating experience.  Their energy of pure, profound love, joy and peace, really helped me to integrate all of the emotions that I had been going through all week…this week in all it’s ups and down could not have unfolded as perfectly as it did and of course it did…because life is always happening for us.

Here I am as I write on my last night here in this beautiful, magical & mystical island. I am already feeling a bit sad that I am already leaving tomorrow. Now when I walk around, I’m saying hi back with a smile to every man who passes by me. Some of them want to take pictures with me telling me how beautiful I am and I graciously do. Because what a blessing it is to be so honored and acknowledged by these men who just want to provide for and adore women.

When I dealt with my fears on the inside, this island all of a sudden transformed into this beautiful place of men who just want to love up on me. When I accepted those parts within me that felt uncomfortable and faced them…I was finally able to accept the love that was pouring onto me here.  It’s all love.

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How can I be lonely or scared in a world where all people want to do is to be loved and love.

Thank you for showing me your magic Bimini and helping me to love myself even more. Gratefully yours…<3